CAUTION: SPOILER ALERT (not big spoilers but er – yeah)
I can’t take the credit for the quote used as the headline, I got it from Meg Cabot’s “Boy Meets Girl.”
I have put off writing this review since APRIL. Initially because it was embargoed until when I was actually in California (the irony) and also after I read it, I couldn’t think of what to write. When I heard there was going to be a new Sweet Valley book, I had a metaphorical embolism. Sweet Valley epitomised my childhood (and teenagerhood). How I loved the trashy tales of my teenhood, the Dairi Burger, Lila’s daddy issues, the twins’ mother who could pass for their youthful older sister. How I relished reading about the idyllic California town, Ned, who could practice any kind of law, The Droids, the Beach Disco, Olivia getting crushed to death by a fridge, the knowledge that whatever happened – you could pick up a SVH and console yourself with the fact, that Jessica would always be pretty slutty, Elizabeth had a self righteous stick up her arse, and nobody, nobody ever went past second base.
What I really want to know is, who are these two hussies on the front? What happened to Cynthia and Brittany Daniels??
Have I tickled your brain into releasing those fond memories of borrowing Sweet Valley from the library and hiding them from your mother because she deemed them inappropriate? Are you misty eyed over how the Wakefields showed you how to live and get away with everything?
If so, don’t read Sweet Valley Confidential.
I feel your collective gasps (or as we’re English, a quiet intake of breath) at this bold statement. How did it disappoint thee? Let me count the ways.
1. Francine Pascal wrote it.
If you were a Sweet Valley reader or watched the TV show, you would notice that the series was created by Francine Pascal, but not written by. Rather there were a team of writers who wrote the books. With good reason. Because Francine don’t know shit. Let me count the ways.
2. Who is Arthur Fowler?
Apparently Lila’s father. Everyone knows his name is GEORGE!
3. Sweet Valley High was unrealistic but this just takes the biscuit
Jessica has a *shock horror* real job where she is respected and isn’t working on a pole somewhere. No-one moved out of Sweet Valley – and they’re still dating each other. I may live in London, but I hate everyone I went to school with, bar one person. Thought you couldn’t go back? Oh yes you can.
4. Elizabeth runs away to New York and also doesn’t end up peddling her wares on the street corner.
Because really, being the editor of The Oracle can only get you so far.
5. Everyone still walks all over Liz
I’m glad to see that some things never change.
Ways In Which It Teased Me and I Thought It’d Be Delightful Trashy instead of just crap
Elizabeth cries after orgasm
Why am I not surprised? I’m more surprised that she indulged in pre-marital sex.
Someone dies but not by being crushed by a fridge
By getting wasted and falling off their balcony. Stuff like this don’t happen in Sweet Valley. Did someone spike their drink? That’s the only way they’d touch alcohol!
A MAJOR CHARACTER IS A FRIEND OF DOROTHY
But frankly I don’t actually care. He doesn’t start blasting techno remixes of “My Heart Will Go On”, start wearing tight muscle T’s, and start talking like the old guy from Family Guy, and many other stereotypes.
The best part is when Alice Wakefield actually curses. That’s right, the only interior designer in California drops an F-Bomb. Quelle horreur! Francine’s not poking gentle fun for most of it, she’s probing it anally with a poker, and I for one, feel rather violated.
They say you can’t go back. Well, I can, but not by reading this. Save yourself some money and go retro, and get it from the library. And I’ll tuck myself into bed along with the book where Margo first wields her glittering knife.
At least Diablo Cody’s 80s adaptation of Sweet Valley is something I can look forward to. Especially since they won’t be all tweeting and updating their Facebook.
A review copy of this book was kindly provided by Macmillan Publishers/St Martin’s Press
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